Hopelessness. Despair. Frustration. Anger. Emotions mixed with the physical body that seemed to be failing me. Oh, everything they tested me for came back negative. I wasn't dying. I had nothing life-threatening or terminal. I should have been thankful. I wasn't! I was faced with trying to live my life in a body that just wan't working for me. I faced living my life in much pain, with much weakness, and with unexplainably strange symptoms each day.
When I was given the pat of the back, and finally told, "You have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, you are going to be sick for a long time," I was essentially told, "You're on your own!" The tests were done. The searching to find the root cause of my ailments, over. Yes, I took the anti-depressants they gave me. Obviously, I WAS depressed. Who wouldn't be? For this was the life I had to look forward to. A life of misery and pain. A life in which I'd never have to energy to do the things I'd always enjoyed doing. A life in which I may never be able to hold my kids in my lap without being in pain. A life in which I would never ever be the wonderful wife, mother, or friend God created me to be.
The anti-depressents, for some reason, only seemed to exaggerate the symptoms I had of feeling faint or blacking out. Unbelievable! I couldn't even take those to help me feel better! There was nothing...NOTHING left for me to do. No one could help me. I was in a pit of hopeless despair.
Left on my own I started reading books and researching online everything I could possibly get my hands on about my condition. I soon found that I certainly wasn't alone. There were thousands of women out there who were just like me: Desperately ill, frantic to find answers, willing to do just about anything- no ANYTHING, to feel even the slightest sense of normalcy.
Over the next 2 years, the money I spent, the things I tried, most thought of as crazy. But, I was desperate. And, if the doctors weren't going to help me anymore, it was up to me to help myself.
I had never heard of 'holistic' medicine before this point in my life. The more I researched CFIDS, the more I realized that this was the route most end up taking because they end up in the same boat as I was in. Desperate to get your life back with no traditional doctor able or even willing to help anymore, this is where one ends up. Sadly, I've even read and know about people who's doctors tried to refer them to psychiatrists, telling their patients in was all in their heads. I know for certain, I am NOT a hypochondriac! Nor are the thousands of others out there with my same condition. We're desperate, yes. Depressed, sometimes- wouldn't you be? Frantic- likely. But NOT crazy! To finally get the diagnosis of "Chronic Fatigue Syndrome" means we're on our own.
I eventually found a holistic doctor who would see me. I once again had the tiniest bit of hope in my life. The money and sacrifices that I endured all for the sake of feeling better, again, most would think of as crazy. Here's the crazy list of the things my new holistic doctor had me try over the next two years in an attempt to take control of my body and life:
*Acupuncture: scary! Having needles stuck in your body and someone performing what seemed to be voodoo over my body. Turns out, however, once I learned the true scientific facts regarding energy in all matter (including ones body), it totally made sense.
*Colonics: gross! Who in their right mind would subject their body to that, plus spend $75 for it, many times over. Embarrassing. But when you're desperate...
*Chelation Therapy: Detoxing my body of heavy metals.
*Allergen free diet: GLUTEN FREE, YEAST FREE, DAIRY FREE. This was honestly the hardest thing I had done. I ate that way for the better part of 2 years. No red meat. No wheat/ glutenous foods. No dairy products. No sweets/ sugars (even fruits that were high in sugars). Very little processed foods. Mainly white meats, rice and vegetables.
*Treatment for Candida: This was included in the difficult diet mentioned above, but included many expensive supplements to 'kill' the yeast that I was told was likely invading my body due to it being so sick. And, even more expensive supplements to replace the good bacteria in my body. The colonic's came into play here, to help flush out the 'bad' so I could replace it with the 'good.'
*Lots and lots of vitamins and herbal supplements! I must have spent a fortune on them all. Colostrum, fish oil,, magnesium, b vitamins, pregnenalone, dhea, special chinese herbs that my acupuncturist would mix up, holistic drops I'd put under my tongue, St Johns Wart, Ulta-Inflamx detox, supplements to kill candida, acidophilus, candex, multi-vitimins .... plus many, many more. It's hard to even remember them all. I was desperate to put as many 'good things' as I could in to my body to support and help it into healing itself, whether or not I had found the 'root cause' of my illness.
I am pleased to say, that as the months and years went by, I slowly regained my strength, and the pain became less severe. Eventually, the really strange and scary symptoms (numb limbs/ cheeks/ lips, shaking episodes, fainting spells) almost altogether disappeared. I was slowly but surely getting by life back. Was it all the 'holistic' things I did that helped? Honestly, I'm not really sure? It's possible that my body just healed and the reactions calmed over these years. It's quite possible, however, that all I did actually aided and supported my body in calming and healing itself.
Was I ever 'normal' after finally being able to function in life again? NO! But this 'new normal' was far better than the misery I'd experience the previous despairingly hopeless, painful years of my near non-existant life. To be honest, I've had my struggles in the 6 years after I've started to feel better. I had flares and minor set backs. I was thankful that I had always been able to manage my relapses with plenty of sleep, supplements, and learning to pace (set boundaries for) myself. I may have needed 10 hours of sleep at night, it was better than the 15 hours plus naps that I had needed years earlier. I may have needed several days of quiet after a day or two of business, but I was able to actually do things again that I enjoyed! I could spend time with my husband. I could spend time with my family and friends! I could play with my children! I could host a family get together. I could even volunteer at church or help a friend.
I will never forget the day when my 3 year old went to climb on my lap and stopped himself and asked, "Mommy do you hurt?" He wanted to make sure he wouldn't hurt me if he climbed on my lap. Wow! This had been the only mommy he'd known his three short years of life! With tears in my eyes, I was able to scoop him up in my arms, hold him tightly on my lap, and tell him, "No, mommy doesn't hurt quite like that anymore!" =D
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